My first ever experience… so here I am in a long loving relationship, we just moved into our new place, I am 5 months pregnant, really excited, not even scared. Not too happy about being constantly tired and huge, but I can manage… I had a normal day at home, did shopping, cleaning. My boy just went out to meet with his old flatmates.
I felt a bit tired so went to bed to chill for a minute… I was laying in my bed thinking about how much I miss my mom who passed away six months ago, I had my feet up on the wall thinking how happy she would be now, knowing that I am pregnant. I have always sworn I will never have children, NEVER EVER (ha ha never say never) and then I had this horrible feeling coming over me. A wave of fear… its so hard to describe it.
I had to sit up, my body told me to. I sat up and then as soon as i did that, i felt even worst. I wasn’t sure if I am going to faint or if am I am going to soil myself… or puke… the cold feet, hands… followed by feeling nausea… My heart was beating hard. I sat on the bed, and put my head down. I tried to breathe; I was not sure if I was breathing.
This horrible feeling lasted for ages, or so it felt like it did, and I was convinced I am going to die… I could not move; my head was all over the place…
By the end of this ride, I was exhausted and I have finally calmed down. No-one was home to help, and I was not even able to use my fone to call my boy… it was horrid. I will never forget that. That feeling… I have goosebumps when I type this. What the hell was it? Was I just tired? Was it thinking about my mom made me feel this way?
I have blamed this feeling on stress over my mom’s death, and I have also just been made redundant from my work due to ‘’economic crisis’’, which was bullshit, cos the day I told my boss I am pregnant he served me with letter of redundancy.
This horrible feeling has not returned for ages. I totally forgot about it… I had a baby girl, I was at home with her for 18 months which was amazing, I did see her first smiles, crawling, walking, I was there! However, money was tight and it was time for me to return to work and start living.
To my friends I was a bit obsessed with the little one. It was all about her. My day was around her, which I did not mind, so I did not see it as a problem. But it bothered my mates. I finally got a job, not far from home, just a simple admin job part time. Perfect
But (as every mama and daddy knows) trying to run a house, work, travel, be partner, has finally broke me. That horrible feeling started to pop up again, not as intense as the first one but my chest was getting tight, my legs were numb, head was spinning. The spinning of the head feeling is just mental.
Strangely it was only happening after I finished work, or just after the little one was in bed. I thought I was getting sick; you know cancer or something. Went to my GP- got every single blood test done under the sun, my body was showing no signs of sickness, and then, one day I Skype my mate Kathy in Canada, I have managed to explain to her what I am experiencing and I told her that I think I am going mad, not sure if its dementia or something as equally mental and she laughed…
I will never forget this conversation; it was such a relief to be diagnosed and understood. At that time obviously my partner knew nothing about it. I was fighting it all by myself. She told me that I am having anxiety attacks and, in her opinion, (also young mother) I am having a late postnatal depression. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I was so happy to hear that its ok and that even she is going through similar.
She suggested to do the research and to see my GP as soon as, which I did. To cut this LONG story short, GP has offered me drugs, I declined, only because now I knew what I am dealing with and hopefully I can sort my head out. We live in society where we have a pill for everything without even trying to get into the source of the pain. There is obviously something (in me) that needs sorting out, I just need to find out how to get it out and how to deal with it.
I asked if there is any other help there, and because of anxiety not being so severe he sorted me out with online self-help course, the one I can do online in my own time. As a mother to a toddler, I found it very handy. It was 8 weeks of which I watched videos, made notes of how to change my thinking, learning basics of breathing exercise, which was interesting. There were tasks where you challenge your stupid thoughts and you work on how to change the negative thinking… CBT worked amazing on me, and I could not believe how easy it was, I saw big difference in just few weeks.
This course also helped me in organising my own time. To take a break, even nap when I needed. To ask for help and to say to myself that its ok to feel this way. I am tired and I need to chill. I will do all the non-important bits tomorrow, when I have much more energy and I am less tired.
I saw the light, end to my sufferings! I was going to be ok, I was not dying! I had a bigger understanding of what’s going on, and I basically learnt that what I am going through its normal, loads of people going through it and its not dangerous. The worst that can happen is- I will just pass out, so my episodes were getting weaker and weaker and by the end of the course, the second I felt attack coming on -I was able to even laugh to my partner about it saying… I think I have a panic attack coming up so I am just going to the bedroom and have a ride… I could actually do it on my own without fear!
I remember thinking so what if I faint with fear… I might have a good night of sleep. INSANE, I know! I was not afraid anymore. I did my hardcore yoga, looked after myself, did breathing techniques, I finally knew what I was dealing with, and I was sure the horrible feeling was gone for ever…
Talking openly about my experience to my mates, especially first-time mommies/daddies also helped. We all try to be perfect, act like everything is alright, we are told YOU GOT THIS… But in reality… babies are not easy, they are everything BUT easy to handle… and even though there is no problems with their health, and they sleep at night, believe me: you, as a mother/father still somehow worry. You are exhausted of worrying about them. You still need to change their nappies, feed, deal with their moods and pay them full attention because this is what parents do.
At first, not even one of my mates admitted having experienced some kind of anxiety, but after a while of me mentioning it, most of them admitted to go through the same kind of anxiety/depression. Some were telling me that they know its wrong, but they think their children are devils that they don’t like them, they hate being mothers/fathers. Funny enough it happened to both moms and dads! Dads started to get jealous of the affection their babies were getting from their partners.
Another thing I found was that my mates thought their partners are evil as well, they have changed. Fuking hell all I am going to say is sleep deprivation is mental. crazy poop talk. All I could do is to listen and say, MATE YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
We must do something about this feeling though, no?
It was scary to see how many friends are suffering and no one is talking about it. Loads of people were in shock to find out that I, apparently strong woman, happy and you know healthy in general can go through THAT as well.
I forgot about my worries. I was finally free!
Five years later I had a second child… First year after giving birth amazing, no signs of crazy. I was aware of what it might come but I was not afraid… until at around 18 months post birth I had a proper panic attack. Back to work again… and I ended up in A&E thinking I am having heart attack. After many hours of check-ups the doctor actually asked if this could be an episode of panic attack? I thought to myself nah… It cannot be I have it all that under control. I have not had an episode in YEARS.
This felt like a heart attack.
It cannot be anxiety, it must be something much more serious. I was tired, exhausted, everyday palpitations, numbing of hands and legs, chest pains… I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t get out of bed, cycling was an effort, I LOVE CYCLING! This could not have been anxiety cos I have worked that one out, right?
WRONG.
Started watching myself, looking for patterns. The episodes were happening around same times during the day, so I thought maybe diet – worked on food diary and ruled that one out. I ate different foods and the same thing happened.
Why am I feeling so tired, there must be something wrong. Comes 3pm I need to lay down, but I cannot, I have kids to pick up from school, dinner, clean…. Again, more blood test, which all came back normal. Still dizzy, still shaky, sweaty, just not pretty. Maybe pre-menopausal? Nah, all results are perfect. Sugar, cholesterol, blood cells, heart monitor… After months of investigation with my GP, I have finally realised that I am having my old friend back, the terror attacks are back!
Here is Jonny! Why am I feeling tired? Because I fight the constant battle of panic, that’s why!
Some days I would wake up feeling fine, ten min later I would be laying on my bed fully dressed, kids are eating breakfast next door, I can hear them and all I can think of is … am I going to die? Now? What if I do, I was so sad for my kids to find me dead, I would just lay there, try to catch the breath, I was thinking of calling my partner to say to come back home, to tell him I am not feeling well and I need to go to A&E but somehow I knew, that this will pass and of course it did. My whole day now was done. I was not myself. I was just basically waiting for the next wave or horror to return and wipe the floor with me.
To go through this every day… fuking hell let me tell me its tiring.
By that time I knew, here we go again. I went back to my notes from years ago. Read it all, watched youtube and tried to self-heal again. I tried to work it out myself what is going on, why are they back?
First step was to find calm… and the best for this is breathing and meditation.
You see I have tried meditation before, but it never worked. I just couldn’t stay still; my mind was all over the place. I was getting irritated and almost angry. I did not like the feeling, it wasn’t pleasant. It supposed to help me and not make me feel vulnerable. But worst was when I actually did experience the calmness – that feeling totally freaked me out. It was scary! WHY? Why am I so scared of inner me feeling, the peace?
Even when I did yoga, breathing… my mind was still scattered all over the place, I would exercise and think about what am I going to cook for dinner? My body felt great after, but my mind would be still messed up. I just don’t know how to stay still; my mind has to be occupied or I must be on the move doing something or the terror attack will return.
This time around I gave in to the feeling of nothing. They call it PRESENT MOMENT. I went deep inside my head and totally fall in love with meditation. To this moment I still find it hard to find that full on relaxation state, and I have been meditating for the past year or more, I should be good at it, I am not, and I still have a lot to learn. But let me tell you that when you have your first experience of this amazing feeling, this heaviness or floating…. wow. You feel like a new-born after.
It doesn’t matter if you are doing it for ten minutes or if you are doing it for an hour. I am so happy I am no more scared of that feeling, I am craving that feeling now.
There is a lot to learn and there is A LOT of knowledge out there, for free!
So here I am, doing everything right: I exercise, I eat well, I sleep at least 8h a night, so why I am still feeling the horrible feeling that I am going to die…, die now. I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I do need drugs, antidepressant, everyone is taking them now…
The corona virus lockdown came to place in London on March 23th 2020. By this time, I was broken. Work, home, constant running and never having time to recover, to have a time for myself. I was getting worst, and I started to recognise changes in myself, I just wasn’t very nice… not to myself and to people around me.
You can only imagine how I felt when I found out that we are fuked, proper fuked… lockdown is here and we cannot go out, we cannot go and see friends or family, we basically cannot have any human contact apart from your family that you are living with… we cannot travel… I already had my tickets booked to go to Poland to see my best friend who was going through cancer treatment and who needed her bestie by her side.
On the news it was all about stay at home, the slogan was CORONA VIRUS, STAY AT HOME, SAVE LIVES! SAVE NHS! I hear the song in my head now, which my four year old made up during the lock down, walking around the house singing… corona virus stay at home, corona virus save life, corona virus save nhs… its quite catchy if you could only hear the melody.
Anyway… by week three of the lockdown I felt like I am going to lose it… no idea why. Children were happy at home, they actually loved not going to school, behaving. My partner and I never been happier… I always wanted to work from home and so was he. We have sorted our flat so kids could have their learning place, partner moved to bedroom and I floated between the rooms.
My palpitations got out of control, my head was spinning, and my thoughts were dark, I felt ill, I was sure I am going to die. Honestly every time I tried to get up, I felt dizzy. I had to call my GP and ask for drugs I was not managing. Whoever I see on the streets talks about corona, family- corona, friends-corona. I am shaking, I cannot think straight, I just feel I am not right.
My doctor went through the symptoms with me, and we have decided that I take some beta-blockers drugs… I was hoping they will help the second I take that first pill, obviously they did not, if anything they made things worst… my hands and feet were sweating, I was dizzy like a drunk so I called my GP again and I was informed that this might take up to six weeks to work… I decided that drugs are not for me, I need to dig dipper.
After talking to many friends, I mean Corona was the only thing everyone was talking about… TV, radio, internet, friends, family… all petrifying statistics… Corona Virus – 500 dead, next minute Corona virus 1500 dead… I have realised that this situation is totally out of my control, we are all in the same boat, most of my mates are freaking out, loads taking antidepressants already, and there is absolutely nothing else I can do about it.
My friend Sarah told me that I must stop expecting too much from myself and to take each day at the time.
Now what to do to calm myself. The weather was fabulous, every day, early spring felt like summer. I went running, did yoga and talked to mates. My other friend Carine hold my hand tight too, she has been my light. It helped a lot… but I still had them stupid attacks… present moment… present moment… breathe, present moment breathe…
I have talked to my GP –AGAIN- and asked if they can help me, Kathy said how about talking therapies? How about you talk to professional? There was a waiting list of six months! I got on it, I wanted help.
In the same time I came across Open University where they have loads and loads of FREE courses on the subject. I was astonished that there is so much material, research done for anxiety and depression. I basically put everything on hold and tried to learn about my demons! I have learnt a lot. Anxiety / Panic attacks are nothing new, they have been around for many years, for ever. Study shows that 1 in 14 people have experienced it – I say at least 1 in 10, but we just dont talk about it. I have also read the best description of the horrid attack, which I would like to share on here:
,,Panic attacks are one of the most frightening manifestations of anxiety. I know if you’ve never had a panic attack, the name sounds kind of lame. We all have those moments of panic, like ‘oh, did I leave the oven running’, or ‘my kid just bolted out in the middle of the street’, or maybe more for you, ‘I forgot to study for that test’. But none of these are panic attacks. The Mayo Clinic’s website says that a panic attack ‘is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there’s no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When a panic attack occurs, you might think you’re losing control, having a heart attack, or even dying.’ That’s a pretty good definition. But what does it really feel like? That’s what I’m going to try to show you. OK.
So it’s a pretty normal day, but maybe a little bit stressful, like in a performance evaluation at work, or packing for a vacation. I’m doing something pretty normal. And I start to feel off. I know something’s not quite right. I’m getting tingly. That tingling numbness creeps up my neck and all over my face and seeps into my head. I feel dizzy, so I sit down. Sometimes I think maybe I just didn’t eat enough today, so I grab for some crackers or a candy bar or whatever I have.
My head is feeling fuzzy. And as I’m sitting there, sometimes I think ‘oh, my gosh, it’s seizures or a heart attack’. But I know better. I know it’s a mounting panic attack when my heart starts beating harder − not faster, really, just hard, like the heartbeat in the background of a horror film. Now I’m getting scared. I’m thinking, ‘No. No, not here. Not now!’ Right now, the right medication might help, might bring this crescendo back down and end the panic attack. But sometimes even the right medication doesn’t always help. I feel off. And I want to sit still, but my body just won’t listen. So I pace. I lash out. The tears come now, broken, dry cries. Weak, angry shrieks break through. And my brain is screaming, ‘shut up, shut up, shut up’. Not a real cry. Nothing that could be cathartic can come out. It all gets caught in my throat and in my head. Oh, it’s − I get angry, mad at this feeling, myself, and everything. I pound my head with my fists. I want to bang it against the floor. I want to smash my skull and make it all end. But now I can lay down, and just wait for it to be over.
Eventually, it ends. And it always does end. And I’m still here. And with my sanity coming back, and with my head clearing, I’m grateful to still be here and that it always stops eventually.
This is not an easy thing to live with, knowing that it could happen at any moment, any place, at home, at work, at the tattoo parlour. !”
To my surprised I had my first Teams session with my Therapist only three weeks after I registered because of the cancellation. By that time, I have done over 30 hours of course work on anxiety and depression. There really is a lot of information out there if you want to learn. However while learning about it, it did actually brought some anxiety on. It was not scary, just you know, reading about it was weird and there were few moments I actually had to walk away and just chill my mind out. However, by the end of the course I have learnt so much and I did came out stronger.
My therapy:
First few sessions were just about me… well all sessions were about me but I was just talking shit. I am used to talking about myself to strangers by now. I have talked to my friends, doctors, advisors… I had no problem about talking about real me. How perfect my life is, how I look after myself, how I eat well, exercise, do yoga and now even meditation and how amazing my family is… comparing to others I have an easy life. Kids are in bed by 7:30. I have time for myself.
So why do I get the horror attacks? Why are they back? My therapist did not talk much, she just asked me questions, simple questions. One of them was… What do I want? She told me, next time you are having your anxiety attack… ask yourself what do I want? Easy. Now try to ask yourself this question when you are about to die… not as easy as you think!
During the therapy my best friend Izabella, who is like sister to me was fighting with Stage IV breast cancer, which returned after couple of years. All I wanted to do is to go back home and be with her. My tickets were constantly cancelled, and I was just rebooking them. She was in a bad way and all she wanted is to have friends around her.
Due to Corona, we were unable to go and be with her, she was in hospital and even the closes family could not be around her at all times. She was scared, we were scared, fuking corona virus… stay at home, corona virus save lives. Let people die of cancer and loneliness as well.
And all I wanted to do is just to be around her. For some reason I was sure I could freaking help her. Cook for her, wash her, tell her what to eat and just look after her. I did it before and she was clear of cancer. We can do this again.
This time around the cancer was proper progressive and aggressive: she was unable to make simple decisions on her own… She told me she forgets about all these simple things; drink water, wash your hands, eat. She is too tired to go to toilet, wash herself. We were all telling her drink this, do this and she replied, I have no energy. So, all I wanted to do is to go to her and help her, hold her, love her just like she would do for me. I was unable to do it. I was unable to show her how much I care and love her. Fuking corona! She died. She did see her family and kids just few hours before though. She was ‘’lucky’’, many died on their own.
Here I am talking to my therapist, about life, death, we talked about faith, believes. It helped.
My therapist asked me: why do I always compare myself to others? How do I know that people are happy? They could be like you, pretending? There are a lot of people out there who put on a brave face, just like you. She is right…
Next thing she said that every time I mentioned that I took time to myself, I always start my sentence with: I was selfish today… and I did not clean, instead I had a long bath or I was selfish today… and did not cook, while I watched something I wanted to watch.
She asked me what other word I could replace the selfish with… I could not come up with anything at the time… now five months later… I have plenty!
Next, we talked about faith… I am still working on it. it is a rather heavy subject, no?
I have been brought up in a catholic family, going to church every Sunday. I stopped doing that since I was 14. When my parents divorced. I still believed in God, grater power/something -I was just not interested in church.
Then I grew up and you know I start reading and realising how much nonsense this whole church thing is. How come we kill in the name of God, what God would do that to its people?
Then my mom died and the only place I could find peace was when I went to church, the actual building. I did not go to the mass just to church. So confusing. You see, I do believe in something, but I am not sure what, yet… still working on it. Through meditation- I have discovered chakras, through chakras I have discovered inner-energy, self-healing, meridians, Reiki, Reflexology and now I am self-learning Tai Chi – youtube of course.
All this is new to me, I am fascinated by it, not so scared of it anymore, I rather like it.
By this time, week four of therapy I felt good about myself. I have discovered a lot. My perfect childhood life was not so perfect, I mean it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t as perfect as I thought it was. My dad worked, proper workaholic (still working at 72) my mom run the house, worked, studied, cooked, and cleaned, did shopping and looked after the kids. Dad was never home and when he was home, we were out somewhere in the woods with him, while mom was home cleaning.
They never argued, not around us any way, and then one day they have told us, we are divorcing! Actually, the day I find out that dad and mom are no more is on my bday… when my mom called me in to the room, while ironing she asking me occasionally… what would I say if she told me that they are divorcing… I said its my bday today. I swear, you just cannot make this up. Mom felt guilty she literally dropped on her knees and cried. Poor thing.
I used to have a diary, well I still have it, and during that time I did not write anything for ten months. I thought I was fine, clearly, I wasn’t.
And now thanks to the therapy, I am having a look at my house, my family and guess what… exactly this same thing happens. My partner is working long hours, while I work five hours a day: I look after the kids, school runs, lunches, clean, cook, iron, shopping, organising time, me, me, me, me. I am done with all tasks by seven pm, kids are washed and in bed by 7:30 by that time I am exhausted. But I have all that time now for myself… do I though?
What about preparation for tomorrow, the lunches, uniforms, what about answering to all these emails, messages, facebook. Just imagine if I had to work full time and do all this? Fuk this shit!
Its impossible to be sane, how? I have no parents to say please help, yes, I have friends but how often can you ask for help, plus they have their own shit to deal with. The story repeats itself, how funny.
Now when I look back, I remember my mom breathing deeply, heavily like I do when I have my attack and pretend that I am ok. I am thinking now, bloody hell she had anxiety, and back in the day there was NO HELP, she was on her own. How scary.
I remember when she told me the story about my birth, can you believe that my mom was embarrassed to scream while she was pushing me out of her vagina, I weight 4.8kg and she was embarrassed. I mean how crazy is that? She was on her own too, back in the day men were not allowed on the ward! She had to go through all this, all by herself. Then she had to pretend that everything is fine, cos this is how it is. No one is talking about their feelings, about truth. Suppress the truth, the real you. BE STRONG!
And we wonder why are we all messed up?
This lockdown, the study, the road down the memory line, this therapy opened my eyes. No wonder I am mentally exhausted, I battle every day. If not work, I battle with my feelings, anxiety. No wonder I am exhausted? Its all on my head. Work, money, travel, dinner, kids, partner, family, friends, internet, TV… ALL that in ONE DAY? its a lot to deal with every day.
I have finally learnt asking for help as well, and not in the demanding way, I have learnt to ask for help when I need it. During the lockdown, we all have been given tasks, even kids had to help. The best of all my boy, daddy was home with us, he could help, and kids love having him around. We all did equal amount of cleaning, cooking, and just with these little changes my own life got a lot better.
Thanks to therapy I have discovered Dr. Gabor Matte and his book ‘’When the body says no’’. Freaking hell. What an eye opener. This book has around 300 pages. I read books this big in one week, maybe two if I am busy. This book took me six months to finish. Why? Because its so brutally honest. This book became one of my therapy challenges as well, to get over some of my worries, which is becoming seriously ill and not being able to help/look after my family.
The parody is that I spend SO MUCH TIME on worrying and not living. I know, those who go through what I, knows that during the episode there is absolutely nothing you can do… but worry. Vicious circle for the winner!
I told my dad about my worries and about what when I die… and how will the kids and boy cope without me… dads answer to this was: don’t worry we will cope. They have their grandparents and aunties to make sure that they are loved! I will remind them about you for a year, max. Bosh – I laughed and cried at the same time, cos its so true. The life will go on, with me or without me…
We will manage. No matter what life throws at you, we will adopt. Us, humans will adapt. Look at us now, Corona in full blast, a year into it and we are still going strong. Some businesses are lost, some are thriving like never. I know we can do this and it’s not easy at first, but we must adopt, to survive.
To me, now when I look back… I remember going with kids to the little park few min walk from our house, these first few days of the lockdown thinking – I am going to die, we all going to die…. It was so terrifying.
But now with the perspective of time, I could not be happier. A year back I thought this is a disaster, I hated everything about lockdown… now I still hate lockdown only because I think it’s a total nonsense – however what this lockdown did to us, community, to me, is rather special.
I have talked to so many friends of mine I have not talked to for years, people I have known but not talked to. Family and friends that I care for but just never had the time to talk to, now we have monthly/weekly sessions. I mean the perigee falcon is back to the area I live in, the traffic is gone, I love the fact that I DO NOT have to go to the office every day! I do not want to go back to ‘’normal’’, ever! I know not everyone feels like me, I get it, but I have adopted, I have stopped being scared about it. I really do take a day at a time. PRESENT FUKING MOMENT!
I am managing my terror attacks best way I can, I dont remember when I had a proper attack last… I know they are part of me now and thats ok. They have taught me a lot about me. I am not alone and its ok to feel shit and tired from time to time. Its part of the balance.
Here is a link I have used to self-diagnose and to learn the basics, there is a lot in there, weeks of course work you can print and start working on yourself.
Here is a great link I discovered while learning
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Anxiety